I picked up my PSAT scores from guidance today.

My reading and writing skills are apparently pretty rad.. They couldn't really find anything to recommend me for to improve my writing. Math, however.. Not so great.

Overall, my score was 1620. I guess that's all right considering I studied only for writing and reading, and it was my first time taking it. The math on it was impossible for me since I've only completed geometry and Algebra I.

I'm just beginning to think that despite everything I do, I'm never going to be -good enough- to accomplish the things I want to. Only I'm not thinking of it in the negative way. I think it's just meant to be.

I learned to read by the time I was three years old, mostly by myself. I read books.
I was recommended in first grade to take private classes away from other students because I was so far ahead.
By second grade, I wrote pages and pages of well-developed stories when asked to write a paragraph.
By sixth grade, I wrote a book... A book that got trashed when my computer crashed. It wasn't very deep on the surface, but for my age, what I was writing about was society and that was MONUMENTAL in the turning point of my life, making me who I am today.
Since then, I've been floating around several ideas, too locked up in daily life to exercise my talents. But those talents are still there, dormant. They don't need the exercise.

And that's what I'm saying. I love to write. I love to read. The way a finishing a book makes me feel is equivalent to the way a snowboarder feels after making a big jump. It's so exciting to me when everything is done just right. Sometimes I feel like a bit of a hermit saying that, but it doesn't make me any different. I love real thrills more than anything. =]

I'm facing a lot of pressure this year to make up my mind about what I want to be. Living in a poor family, I need scholarships up the ass and loans I'll never be able to pay back in order to be able to go to college. It's something I may never get to do again. I don't have cash to waste, and at the same time, the clock is ticking. This spring I'll be making visits. Then I'll be applying to colleges. Then plunging myself into lifelong debt headfirst.

I'm still stuck in that little girl fantasy of what I want to be... I want to work with CGI film and write music. I want to be an author, an actress, work with animals and dinosaur bones and find out for sure why the sky is really blue... I want to do it all. But it turns out that unless you're really lucky, that's just not how things work out.

So for now, I'm just hoping I can look back in ten years and laugh.